Just a dream?

Recently, I've been waking up several times during my sleep, due to different reasons (heat, "sensations of falling" because I'm sliding off Annie's bed). Also, although my term in CSC has ended, and my term in TASA will soon be ended, I find myself with even more on my mind. But this time, there must be more at stake (e.g. money, grad school, projects/presentations). Is this what they (and by they, I mean "I") refer to as "becoming a real person? When the things that occupy your mind have higher stakes? But then again, what does that term even mean, and how do you even gauge it? When I was LG head, everything involving the show seemed to be a "high stake" at the time, but at the end of the day, you realize that that's not necessarily the case.

Anyway, as a consequence of my interrupted sleep and my bogged-down mind, I've been finding that it's harder and harder to differentiate between what happens in my dreams and what happens in reality. A little ridiculous, yes. But do other people find this to be true too?

A teaching obstacle

For as long as I can remember, I've known that I want to be a teacher. But I realize how disillusioned I've been in thinking that because I'm good at conveying information, that I am good to go. In accompanying my Practicum (a hybrid between observing and student teaching) class to the MOMA today, I've realized that disciplining is definitely my weakness. Granted, I have neither the authority of a real teacher nor the knowledge of all of the rules for the class, still, I'd like to think that as an adult, kids will immediately listen to and respect me. While this was the case most of the time, there was still one girl who is notorious for giving an attitude (apparently this is also the case for her grandmother), who deliberately went against something I had asked her to stop doing.

I'm hoping that it's just that I don't feel comfortable laying down the law (since the only reason why I would be qualified to do so is by nature of being an adult), or that it's just that I'm practicing not always taking over a situation (though in this case, it'd probably be better that I do...). At any rate, this is a major hurdle that I'll have to overcome if I want to be successful.

Magic of Taiwanese dramas

It's amazing how, without fail, after I watch a Taiwanese drama, I tell myself that I am going to become just like the main character (without her flaws, of course). Aside from the fact that most of the characters are thin, may have really awesome clothes, most importantly, they have very strong personalities. If the protagonist isn't obsessing over a super genius, then she's extremely moral fights for the protection of a forgotten land, or she tries her hardest to be the perfect wall flower. Whatever the case may be, they know who they are and they stay true to themselves (otherwise, there would be a lot of difficulty following the characters in the story, wouldn't there be?). I think this is what gets me the most-although my parents never required much other than my happiness, I still often felt the need to please others, even if it sacrifices what I think should be done/is right. I want to get stronger and make sure that people don't step all over who I am (even though I'm at less of a risk since I'm not in the finance world, harhar).

On another note, there's also an astonishing amount of self-discipline in the dramas...we'll see how long this inspiration lasts. First step: removing facebook from bookmarks, we'll see how I do without facebook for a week (I'm almost positive that it'll free up a lot of time for me to actually read the news and other educated sources of information...).

**It's terrible that the impact of Taiwanese dramas on my life has gone this far...

Good parenting

Today, on my way back from interviewing for a babysitting job, I gave up a seat in the bus to an elderly man, to which he responded, "You have good parents." My first thought was, "Yes, indeed I do!" My second thought was, "Has society come to the point where you're complimented for the most basic acts of courtesy? Sheesh." The "interview" that I had had mostly entailed of me talking to the mom, and interacting with the baby (17 months old, so adorable). From the 2 hours that I was there, I was also able to observe how she interacted with him, and you could see just how much she loved him, but also wasn't patronizing (can you be patronizing to a baby?), and treated him and talked to him like a normal person (e.g. "Ben, you know we don't stand on the chairs"). This baby was pretty smart for his age, and could say several words and understand what you were saying, and you could see that it was because she exposed him to so many different "real world" things. For example, the automobile section of yahoo.com and the Times, and the fact that he would ask for it was quite impressive. Another thing that was rather striking was the fact that he was so affectionate. Again, it was clear that it was because she lavished him with hugs and kisses, and encouraged his "DAs" (displays of affection) towards his animals. Evidence of how your upbringing really defines who you are? Perhaps.

I had read an article in the Times on how today, speech is developing later and later in babies, and this is due to the fact that parents neglect interacting with their babies in lieu of talking on their phones, or listening to music. I think that this is true (though the author has gotten some flak for her article). And this experience was the perfect evidence in favor of this argument. The mom followed him essentially anywhere he went (mostly to make sure he didn't get hurt), and it was clear to me that she was the type of mom who would point out the surroundings to him while taking a walk in the stroller, or pointing at and labeling the different types of vehicles outside his window (apparently, a favorite pastime). Definitely supports the nurture argument in the nature vs. nurture debate.

I've been stressing about parenting (as much as I'd like to be a parent someday, I think it's hard to see myself as a parent)...I feel like there's so much error with kids... sadness.

Taking offense

Recently, I've realized that I've been offended by many borderline racist incidents. Not to say that I ever condoned such incidents in the past. I suppose I just haven't been affected, or really felt strongly enough to the point that I need to express my disapproval. The point of realization came when an individual sent out a link to our club's listserv, which is clearly an ignorant non-Asian trying to poke fun at the Asian accent, which got me all riled up and upset for several reasons. First of all, seldom do you hear people making fun of European accents-if anything, there are jokes about Italian accents. But that still doesn't make it okay. The video is also an unfortunate reflection on the ignorance of some people of the West (with regard to the East). The accent is very non-representative of any East Asian language. I've been told that it is trying to imitate Cantonese...though even that is really far-fetched. I don't think it's cute, or hilarious. It's obnoxious. I always believed that, not to make a huge generalization or stereotype and be hypocritical, in their interactions with non-Asians, Asians usually keep to themselves. Therefore, why are we singled out and portrayed so negatively? But I don't seem to be offended by comedians such as Russel Peters. Then again, he is surely not as..for lack of better terminology, ignorant as the caller in the link.

I was thinking about this as I was driving last night, which really sent my mood over the edge. I realized that it was strange that I was this upset over the link-it's not like I haven't been exposed to such things before, so why now? Conclusion: during my high school years, I had become jaded to it, and was even singled out by my friends (who weren't even random white people...but actually the most diverse people of my grade) as that "over-achieving Asian". The way that I coped with this was by laughing along, brushing such labels as "just another stereotype". But having come to Barnard/Columbia, as my sister likes to tell people, I really jumped into the Asian circle. And though I'm mostly active in the cultural clubs, I've been made more aware of certain issues, such as Asian American identity, and what it means to be Asian. And it most certainly doesn't entail anything like that link implies. Also, I started this blog partly in attempt to express myself better and more (part of my efforts to be less passive-aggressive), clearly something I'm still working on.

This post in a nutshell? I take offense to the ignorant attempts at jokes.

So long, farewell!

The best of 2009:

1. 10/30-10/31
2. LG 2009: CAN'T STOP WON'T STOP
   
3. Willy's Birthday Club (aka OCAC)
4. Jumpstart
5. Glee

Hopes for 2010:

1. Make less judgments about people (spending less time on facebook goes hand in hand with this)
2. Be more enlightened about the world around me (past, present, future)
3. Be more assertive/vocal about my opinions
4. Maintain organization at least once a week
5. Take more pictures
6. Be smarter about money
7. Spending more time with friends
8. Meeting new people
   

To be cont'd...

Oh the suburbs.

I miss the suburbs so much. Not only because that's still what I consider my real home, but there are little things about them that make me appreciate them so much more. For one, you're in YOUR home. It's a place to where you can escape to (was that even grammatically correct?), and no one can interfere with that. Also, you're spared the ruckus and what not from other people, which would be such a breath of fresh air, particularly during this time of the year.

Also, due to my laziness, I'm sure that I would save a good amount of money. The circulars at Morton Williams definitely have dented my wallet this semester, though it's also helped me learn about prices and I've become a better judge of whether or not something is cheap. However, its convenience has also put me at a disadvantage, since if I need a distraction/break, I just stroll outside and browse the circulars, or just see what "today's special" is. My dislike for driving surely would prevent me from making frequent visits to the local supermarket. Sad.

I think I also associate the suburbs with good memories-I don't remember being as stressed as I am now, I used to feel so accomplished...I know they say that when you come to college you're like a small fish in a huge pond, but I'm not even striving to excel in anything anymore-I just wish I were even still doing the things I used to claim to love. I don't even know what I'm doing with my life anymore...